


boy problems

by hingabee



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Awkward Crush, Friendship, M/M, Other, Pining, Relationship Advice, everyone is incompetent except raven who is perfect and beautiful, octopus is very thirsty and makes some questionable decisions, typical foxhound banter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 21:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16710430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hingabee/pseuds/hingabee
Summary: “Listen, you two, it is not like I want to fuck him.” Octopus said, absolutely having ulterior motives behind finding out about Raven’s sexual preferences. “I just like to… know things.”





	boy problems

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PunishedPyotr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunishedPyotr/gifts).



> for the supply drop prompt 54:
> 
> Decoy Octopus/Vulcan Raven  
> Octopus has a crush and something cute happens idk

On the day that Vulcan Raven first walked into the FOXHOUND men’s barracks, Octopus learned two very important things. The first one being, after awkwardly shaking the guy’s giant hand for much longer than it is appropriate, letting his eyes wander greedily over the expanse of muscle and skin in front of him – that he was totally down to fuck with Raven, because, _damn_!  
  
But, as it sadly turned out, the second thing Octopus realised was that Raven was actually very much straight, painfully so. In fact the man was so straight that, after pinning a protective charm and a picture of his mother above his bunk (the one above Octopus’) a very vanilla and _very_ cliche print of a boring busty pin-up girl followed and Octopus could just tell by the way Raven carefully smoothed back the corners of the poster that this man was probably the most hetero to ever join FOXHOUND’s ranks.  
  
“How do you know?” Wolf asked over lunch, wrinkling her nose as she picked bits of ham out of her sandwich to throw them at Liquid, who was seated next to her. “I knew him at Outer Heaven, quiet guy, great soldier though. Still he never showed any interest in women.” She raises a finger at Octopus. “And there were a lot of _very_ attractive women there, Octopus.”  
  
Liquid shrugged and, through a mouthful of ham, pointed out that Raven had seemed to not be interested in anyone at all – regardless of their gender.  
  
“You should still try.” Wolf said encouragingly.  
  
“Listen, you two, it is not like I want to fuck him.” Octopus said, absolutely having ulterior motives behind finding out about Raven’s sexual preferences. “I just like to… know things.”  
  
“Oh yes, I forgot! What would we do without your extremely professional gossip? The place would fall apart.” Liquid rolled his eyes and started building a little tower of meat and sandwich scraps on his plate.

“You’re just bitter because most of the gossip he spreads is about you.”  
  
“That’s ridiculous!” The tower fell over, forgotten and doomed to drown in the sea of mayonnaise Liquid had amassed in front of him. “Just last week a little birdy told me that apparently _you_ are the one who keeps using up all my shampoo! I told you before that it is only for _naturally_ blonde hair.”  
  
Wolf growled and grabbed her fork, twisting it between her fingers like a combat knife.  
  
“What are you implying, sekbav?”  
  
Octopus just sighed, grabbed his lunch and decided to leave his friends to their little banter/possible fight with fatalities instead of asking them for advice. It would be a better idea to just confront Raven directly.  
  
The only problem was that, despite being known for his carefree bluntness, Octopus had no idea how to actually approach the man without coming off as creepy or too invasive. He would have to tread carefully, coming up with an intricate plan to slowly gather more information about Raven and his past.  
  
As it turned out it was surprisingly easy to just walk into the commander’s office and take a peek at the personnel files there. Octopus occasionally had done this before to grab some tasty details about his comrades, though an official military file could only reveal so much about a guy’s private life.  
  
Still, taking notes along the way, Octopus found the intel he had gathered to be quite useful for further approach:  
  
_\- VEGETARIAN (?)_  
_\- WENT TO COLLEGE (WOW)_  
_\- ONLY CHILD_  
_\- BLOOD TYPE O POSITIVE_  
_\- PARTICIPATED IN ESKIMO OLYMPICS (WOW?)_  
_\- NO MENTION OF LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS_  
_\- 240 LBS (WOW!!!) 6’10” (WOOOW)_  
  
Of course these notes were not really helpful when it came to actually determining Vulcan Raven’s speculated sexuality, but they were information and Octopus was very good at using other people’s information to further his own goal.  
  
“So, why do you need to know his blood type?” Wolf said, after flopping down on Octopus’ bed and grabbing the note from his hand. “Are you gonna dress up as him or something? Don’t suck up all his blood, the boss would be mad if the new guy died after just a week.”  
  
Octopus snatched the note back from her and frowned deeply. “If he really turns out to be straight I won’t be sucking anything.”  
  
Patting his cheek, Wolf nodded understandingly, fake pity dropping off her as she gave him a thoughtful smile.  
  
“If you don’t want him anymore, can I have him?” She whispered and stared at Raven who was currently doing sit-ups in the corner, for whatever god damn reason. “He is so… _big_.”  
  
Octopus buried his face in his hands and let out a loud whine.  
  
“He _is_.”  
  
After some very obvious ogling, Wolf turned back to him.  
  
“You know, you could just ask Ocelot about him, I heard the two of them were working together during the Eighties, or something.”  
  
“That old creepy fart? Ugh, Wolf, he is so obnoxious. Have you seen how he looks at the boss? I thought Mantis was going to make a show out of personally castrating him in front of everyone.”  
  
Wolf clicked her tongue.  
  
“He might be creepy, but he isn’t _that_ bad. Plus, if anyone knows about anything gay regarding Raven it must be him.”  
  
Raising one eyebrow, Octopus stood up and shook his head.  
  
“Wow, that is really close minded of you, just because he himself is gay doesn’t mean he can just magically determine the sexuality of other men. Really, Wolf?”  
  
“That’s not what I meant and you know it – Ocelot is a dirty soviet spy, he surely must’ve picked up details about Raven that are not that obvious to others.”  
  
Octopus sighed deeply but eventually nodded and as the next day came made his way to the shooting range, the one place he was sure to find the old fuck diddling his revolvers, or whatever.  
  
Even if he could handle a gun or two, he never really had been a fan, always preferring disguises and stealth over actual violence – so the smell of gunpowder and the constant noise of firearms of all kind (FOXHOUND did not really stick to regulations, the shooting range had to be renovated at least every two months because some idiot had found a big gun and blown themselves to pieces) was making Octopus twitchy and more uncomfortable than he already had been on the prospect of approaching Ocelot.  
  
“What can I do for you?” The old man asked without turning around, meticulously cleaning his revolvers.  
  
Octopus could not help but stare and watch the quick movements; leather-clad hands swiftly rushing over already shined guns; occasionally focusing on Ocelot’s face.  
  
“Ugh, who told you I was coming to see you?”  
  
Ocelot smiled and gave him a very a condescending look-over.  
  
“You’re not exactly subtle, Octopus. Word spreads fast around here, you in particular should know that by now.”  
  
“Let’s get this over with then, I heard you used to work together with Vulcan Raven back in the day?” Octopus tried to be casual and leaned against the railing behind them.  
  
“Hm, yes. We did.”  
  
“Sooo… . Got any dirt on him?”  
  
The small laugh coming from Ocelot was genuinely creepy and Octopus could not help but grimace.  
  
“What do you expect from me? To betray my comrades and reveal their personal information to others for personal gain? How _outrageous_.”  
  
“Cut the crap, grandpa. Does Raven go for dick or not?”  
  
“I’m afraid you won’t like the answer.”  
  
Darn it. Darn it all to hell and back, that was the opposite of what Octopus wanted to hear. He had not come here expecting Ocelot to reveal Raven’s past as gay porn star but still somewhere deep inside Octopus had hoped that the old man would know _something_ that rendered Raven potentially fuckable.  
  
It was time to get out the heavy guns then, pun intended, screw any social etiquette and all – if Decoy Octopus wanted to seduce someone he would, regardless of their sexuality.

  
  
Of course Wolf and Liquid were both visibly annoyed when he pestered them again about his plans in the break room, both for entirely different reasons though – Liquid, ironically, simply did not want any drama happening in his freshly acquired unit; and Wolf, much to Octopus’ chagrin, was interested in Raven herself and probably counting on him being as straight as they come anyway.  
  
“I just don’t get why you haven’t asked him up front about it – speculating will only get us this far, plus it is kind of rude to just assume what he’s into.” His boss mumbled over a few important documents and proceeded to draw a little stick figure in the corner of what appeared to be a report on his last mission.  
  
Octopus offered him a very exasperated smile and tapped his fingers on the table. “Boss, no offense – but your social skills aren’t exactly the norm, especially when it comes to relationships.”  
  
“I have no idea what you are talking about.” Liquid bristled.  
  
“In any case,” Wolf was doing her nails and dangerously close to spilling her nail polish over the couch, which – despite her denials – definitely had happened before, as evidenced by the numerous colourful stains covering the cushions. “If he isn’t into men then he probably is not into women either. He didn’t even _look_ when I took off my shirt in front of him.” She frowned.  
  
“When did that happen?” Liquid mumbled, still very much focused on the now elaborate drawing of his stick figure persona spreading mayhem over an army of tiny smiley faces. “There’s a women’s changing room, y’know.”  
  
“I am aware, I was simply trying to help Octopus with his… ah… research.”  
  
Octopus glared at her.  
  
“You can have him when I’m done. And I _will_ get him before you do, even if I have to strap on fake tits, pretend my name is Juanita and spoon-feed him dulce de leche.”  
  
Liquid crossed his arms. “Why do you always have to play into those stereotypes, you aren’t doing your people a favour with that.”  
  
“You aren’t doing any of _your_ people a favour with that white frat-boy look either, Boss.”  
  
Before they could start arguing properly, Wolf intervened.  
  
“Stop it, idiots. Octopus – the boss is cute and you know it, you are just being bitter. Boss – if Octopus wants to be a Latino caricature, leave him be. We’re all friends here, bicehnime!”  
  
Going back to his doodles, Liquid made a peace offering. “I guess if you really want to know how to deal with someone who isn’t… er, really interested in _anyone_ , you should talk to Mantis. He is asexual after all.” He paused. “ _And_ a psychic.”  
  
“What?” Octopus blinked. “I thought he was gay?”  
  
Liquid scoffed. “Same thing.”  
  
Chuckling, Wolf leaned closer to Liquid and petted his hair affectionately, the nail polish on her fingers still very much wet. “Aw, don’t be grumpy. Anyway, Octopus – go see Mantis, there’s only so much advice the Boss and I can give you.”  
  
She was right, there really was not much else they could do aside from making Octopus more anxious about the entire thing – not that he let them notice that, he was trained in keeping a cool and neutral exterior at all times.  
  
But still, on the inside Octopus was nervous, scared even – like a little school girl about to confess to her crush, all because he was thirsty for some stupidly perfect, beefy hunk who just happened to have the most beautiful eyes… and probably a really good dick too.

  
  
Mantis, of course, did not like these thoughts one bit. As soon as Octopus spotted him on the other end of the hallway the man poofed into non-existence and hid for the rest of the day, probably already aware of why Octopus was seeking him out.  
  
Eventually Octopus managed to ambush him around midnight, Mantis was currently raiding the kitchen for candy and anything that remotely resembled a dessert – distracted enough to not notice his attacker right away.  
  
Upon promising that he would not tell anyone, especially Liquid, about these sweet nightly escapades, Octopus managed to convince Mantis to take off his mask and sit down with him over a few shots of vodka and just talk.  
  
“Listen, I don’t know what you expect from me, but I am _definitely_ not the right person to ask about your… ugh-” Mantis waved his hand. “Whatever that is.”  
  
“I just want to fuck him, not get him pregnant and start a family.”  
  
“Yeah, no. That doesn’t really make it better. At all.”  
  
Octopus put on his best mother-in-law approved smile and filled their shot glasses.  
  
“Mantis, I know you have looked into his head – I don’t care if you did it on purpose or not, I won’t pry. But you must have found out _something_ that I didn’t.”  
  
Mantis sighed, took his shot and immediately refilled his glass again to take another. “Fine. He is completely straight. But also he hasn’t ever been in a proper relationship, so who knows – maybe you can convince him otherwise, humans are dumb like that.”  
  
“Good - minor setback. Anything else?”  
  
Another shot.  
  
“Eh, he hasn’t really made any connections here yet, either. So maybe if you just go and talk to him a little –“ Mantis shook his head. “I don’t fucking know, Octopus. Maybe try being nice and honest about your feelings or whatever normal people do when they try to bond with someone. I pity you being unable to just read his mind, what a pathetic life you must lead –“  
  
Octopus got up and grabbed Mantis’ hands, which were still holding on tightly to the vodka bottle. “Yes! Thank you so much! God, I could kiss you right now!”  
  
Mantis grimaced and clutched the bottle to his chest.  
  
“Please don’t.” He said dryly.  
  
  
  
Sneaking back into the men’s barracks at this hour was no problem, Octopus had done it many times before – for various reasons – and the only thing he had to worry about was to convincingly pretend to not notice the new recruits fooling around with each other.  
  
Raven was already in bed and snoring loud enough for someone to issue a complaint to Greenpeace, because it sounded like someone was cutting down an entire rainforest inside of a tiny military base in the middle of buttfuck North Dakota.  
  
For some reason – okay, it most likely was the alcohol – Octopus decided that now would be a great time to start hitting it up good with Raven and knocked on the metal bars of their bunk bed.  
  
The snoring faltered for a second and there was some movement above him, probably Raven turning in his sleep, but then it continued just as loud and obnoxiously as before.  
  
“Hey. Pshhh, Raven.”  
  
There was no reply.  
  
Octopus poked his head out from his bed and peeked over the top bunk; Raven was still sleeping peacefully and drooling onto his pillow.  
  
God, the man still managed to look intimidating and attractive in such a ridiculous and vulnerable state – it just was not fair, Octopus hiccuped and poked Raven’s shoulder.  
  
“Mnn…?”  
  
“Raven, you awake?”  
  
“I am now.” Raven grumbled and took a look at his alarm clock. “It’s 2 AM, is there some kind of special exercise scheduled that I didn’t hear about?”  
  
Octopus faltered. “Ah, no. I j-just wanted to, uh, talk.”  
  
In the dark Raven raised an eyebrow. “Again, it is 2 AM. Don’t you think it would be better if we _just_ _talked_ in the morning?”  
  
“Maybe, but I was just thinking about – hey! there’s this new guy around and you haven’t really introduced yourself to him properly and all, like of course we like greeted each other and stuff and you know his name but you don’t really _know_ him yet, yknow?” Octopus was rambling. “How can you share bunks with someone without even knowing anything about them! Weird, right? Haha.”  
  
Raven blinked and pushed himself up from the mattress (which was creaking considerably under his weight) to lean his chin onto his hand. “Yeah, _weird_.”  
  
“Um… –“  
  
“Decoy Squid, right?"

Octopus made a face. “Octopus. Just Octopus is fine – though some people like to call me _Hermano Pulpo_!”  
  
Raven nodded. “Do they?”  
  
“Um, no. Though I would like it if they did.”  
  
That made Raven chuckle and Octopus was sure that he never in his life had heard a more beautiful sound.  
  
“Well for me it’s just Raven. If I told you my real name I’d have to kill you.”  
  
Octopus shivered.

“ _I know_.” He breathed.  
  
This was all definitely not going according to plan, but Octopus didn’t care, because for some unfathomable Raven invited him to sit on his bed and told him a bit more about himself – all stuff Octopus knew about by now, but hearing those personal details about the guy he had been obsessing over for the past few days from the man himself was breathtaking. Raven’s voice was smooth and deep and Octopus didn’t even have to _try_ to stay focused on what he was saying at all, despite being so ‘quiet’ Raven turned out to be a surprisingly good speaker.  
  
The worst part was that he found himself genuinely interested in what Raven had to say – and the guy was so nice too! He even offered Octopus his blanket when he sleepily complained about how he was cold and how Liquid could go fuck himself for not wanting to invest more in a proper central heating unit.  
  
“You should go to sleep, _Pulpo_.” Raven said and stretched his arms. “You can tell me about the rest of your siblings tomorrow, if you like.”  
  
“Mhm… .” Octopus mumbled and found that Raven was also very warm and comfortable to lean against, sadly that did not last long since Raven insisted on manhandling Octopus back into his own bed before wishing him good night.  
  
This was a disaster. Raven was hot, but that was all there had to be to it – now it turned out that the guy was an actual real-life angel and probably personally sent by the Virgen María to torment Octopus for all of eternity with how _perfect_ he was.  
  
Octopus pressed his face against his pillow and sighed. All he wanted was some good dick, a nice conquest, something to be proud of – and not a whole ass crush and a broken heart. Without even getting to the dick in the first place.  
  
“Hey, Octopus?” Raven whispered from above.  
  
Oh god, he was going to die.  
  
“Hm?”  
  
There was a slight pause until finally Octopus heard something shift above him.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
Despite having the great urge to bite his pillow and curse every religious entity in existence, Octopus had to smile.  
  
Maybe - just maybe – this was not going to be so bad after all.

**Author's Note:**

> title is by the queen carly rae jepsen, btw wolf is just swearing in kurmanji (sekbav = bastard) (bicehnime = to hell with you)


End file.
